Zero

I remember the isolation,

Crushed, claustrophobic

Pressed up against the walls

Of invitation—

Grey and plush

So as not to bruise or maim

Just embrace a body thrown

Against

This desolation

Like the routine arms of

Lovers lost in ceremony,

Never really thinking anymore

Just doing,

Lovers more like strangers and

Less like the strangers from

Their aphrodisiac youth.

Deflate...

Repossess the strength to look strong.

Reach in and

Pull out a response from your mental filing cabinet,

Memorized and automatic after so many years,

So many repetitions and retrievals,

Throw or place it in the space between

Yourself and the Other

Step back and wait,

And smile (if exposed).

I remember the aftermath,

Subtle changes and behaviours

Reproduce and coalesce

Become this monstrous thing

With a prettier face.

The phenotype’s the same

But the clockwork slows to a rusted halt.

And what is the sum of these subtractions?

Habitual answers predestined to fail

Allow this dense mutilation of the soul

These scars and historicity

And an unfulfilled desire to balance this equation.

Six

If I inhale just above the belly button

The ribcage is seen to emerge

Or rather, the abdomen retreats,

Falls inward

So much that I can get a decent

Solid grip on either side

With my four fingers curled beneath

And my thumb resting flat against my skin

In perpendicular,

Even from my bird’s-eye vantage

This is grotesque and irreverent

So I exhale

Flood my missing middle once again

With air and life and

All those things I know should count for

More than what they do

But they don’t

And still I’m on the floor

Every night

Up and down and up and down

And stop to breathe

And do it all again despite the pain

And stretch

And now I’m at the point

Where I can’t quite reach that

Zenith breath, that deepest inhalation,

First thing I do is close my eyes

Second is the mirror

Third is to open them again

And fourth is to look away,

But I tend to forget that last part and

Stare at my reflection instead,

It’s really just a photon reversal but

That’s precisely why it’s malevolent

From top to toe this crude

Defective

(self-awareness)

Flesh and bone

At once like all the rest

And nothing like them.